oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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