I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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