I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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