Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
