Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
