But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I had to cum in my sink.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
