Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
