listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
