yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
