I am in a vortex of obligation.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
