My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize