I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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