i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
