My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
