Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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