Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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