How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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