Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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