I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
