Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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