watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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