we have pet lesbian snakes
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
