I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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