it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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