i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
BRING THE BAGELS
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
