I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
