I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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