I think I died a long time ago.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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