I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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