i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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