my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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