the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
