i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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