cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
