the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
