i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
