Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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