We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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