There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
