if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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