Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
