somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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