i love accidental penises.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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