It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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