I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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