just tell him i said nine months
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
