Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
