dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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