It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
