my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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